


When Words Fail

by banana654321



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jicheol, M/M, betweenyouandme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 06:10:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8316760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banana654321/pseuds/banana654321
Summary: When words have failed them both, actions were more than enough to make up for words left unsaid.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Long live JiCheol!

Jihoon was never the one to say I love you, he very much preferred soft stolen kisses and warm cuddles under the confines of their very own room. He wasn’t much for public display of affections and Seungcheol understood. Despite the contrast in them, Seungcheol understood that Jihoon wasn’t much for the cheesy stuff.

In all honesty, their relationship wasn’t always like this, they started off rough, with Seungcheol’s constant need to show off his petite boyfriend and Jihoon’s reluctance to even touch hands in the presence of other people, strangers and friends alike. Seungcheol needed to know that it wasn’t just him that was invested in the relationship but Jihoon, being inexperienced, thought that it was just Seungcheol being needy.

When Seungcheol would lean in towards Jihoon, attempting to plant a kiss on the younger’s cheeks, Jihoon would turn and glare at the older for being so touchy feely. When Seungcheol would snatch Jihoon’s hand and hold it, the younger would look offended, snatching his hand back before hiding it deep in his pockets. When Seungcheol would rest his head on Jihoon’s shoulder, the latter would shrug it off and distant himself from the older.

It didn’t take long before Seungcheol stopped. Actions and smiles alike, he just stopped. And it didn’t take long before Jihoon noticed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked one time when he finally got Seungcheol alone.

“Nothing,” Seungcheol shrugged.

“That,” Jihoon pointed at how sullen Seungcheol looked, “isn’t nothing,”

“I don’t know Jihoon, you tell me!” Seungcheol can’t help but raise his tone a little.

“Well that’s why I’m asking, ain’t I?” Jihoon asked.

“You’re my boyfriend, right?” Seungcheol asked, his eyes looked so unsure and confused.

“What am I, if not your boyfriend Seungcheol?” Jihoon looked astounded.

“I don’t know anymore, you…” Seungcheol trailed off, running his fingers through his hair. “You just reject me every time I try to approach you, like I disgust you or something. I’m not so sure anymore.” Seungcheol sighed, burrowing his face on his palms.

“You’re asking for too much Cheol. You want to parade me to everyone.” Jihoon accused the older. “I want us and not the other things that people expect us to be. I want us to savor our time together without having this looming feeling that we need to make what we have known to everyone, because truth be told, I don’t want their expectations of us, I just want this. Just us. But I guess that’s too much to ask from you.”

“That’s not what I meant Jihoon,” it was Seungcheol’s turn to feel guilty now. He finally understood what Jihoon meant. “I just wanted to hold you, to kiss you, to hug you, to lean on to you,” Seungcheol confessed.

“Then do it, when we’re alone, you have me all the time Cheol, all you have to do is ask,” Jihoon retorted.

“I’m sorry,” Seungcheol apologized, “I guess I was just jealous that everyone gets all lovey-dovey while I rarely get action at all,”

Jihoon walked up to his baby of a boyfriend, pulling him towards his smaller frame and kissing him hard on the lips, “You could have always had this if you’re not so insistent on showing off.” Jihoon said as he planted a chaste kiss on Seungcheol’s lips before walking away, leaving a shell-shocked Seungcheol in the middle of the living room.

It was that day that Seungcheol understood that it will never be like other couples with Jihoon. He understood the other will never see eye to eye with the idea of public displays of affections. But he also understood that Jihoon was just as needy as he was, and the idea of that gives Seungcheol enough reassurance that they were okay, at least for now.

Seungcheol was happy, sharing secret kisses in between friends’ dinners and holding hands underneath the table, playing with each other’s feet whenever they get the chance. Jihoon was secretive and it makes it all the more exciting for them both, making sure not to get caught.

So when Seokmin finally popped the big ‘Will you marry me?’ to his long-time boyfriend Soonyoung, Seungcheol couldn’t help but wonder when his chance will be. He wanted what Soonyoung had. He wanted things he never knew he’d ever want. Like how Seokmin sang for his boyfriend in front of everyone, how he recounted every moment that led them to that exact situation, with Seokmin bent on one knee, a velvet box propped opened as he waits for Soonyoung to utter one sweet yes.

Seungcheol watched with envy in his eyes, a pinch in his heart because it was then that he realized that Jihoon never really told him I love you, for the two years that they’ve been together, Jihoon never said it, not once, not even as a joke, not even as a slip up.

So when the night of celebration ended, with all of them bidding Seokmin and Soonyoung goodbye, Seungcheol sat down at the edge of the bed.

“Jihoon,” he had called his boyfriend who was stripping his white button down in lieu of Seungcheol’s oversized sweater.

“Hmm?” Jihoon hummed in answer without looking at Seungcheol.

“I love you,” Seungcheol casually said.

“I know,” was Jihoon’s answer.

“I love you so much, you know?” Seungcheol said again.

“I do, and I, you,” Jihoon said as he slipped into the bed, his head resting on Seungcheol’s defeated shoulder. “What’s the matter Cheol?” Jihoon asked when Seungcheol just sat there, unmoving, unwelcoming at most to Jihoon’s skinship advances. Seungcheol loved them so Jihoon had to wonder what brought this up.

“Jihoon, do you love me?” Seungcheol then asked.

“I do, of course I do,” Jihoon answered in panic.

“Then how come you never really told me that? Three words, Jihoon. Three short words,” Seungcheol said.

Jihoon kissed Seungcheol’s shoulder and lied down on the bed, “I love you,” he whispered, his arms covering his eyes. “I love you and I always tell you,” Jihoon sighed.

“You know how I’m not good with literal things but I always tell you I love you, in one way or another. May it be from checking up on you, making sure you ate on time, or if you wore your seatbelt, I’m not one with words but I show them to you every single day Cheol. I love you.” Jihoon mumbled.

When Seungcheol turned back to Jihoon, he saw how red the younger’s cheeks were, he saw how, unknowingly, Jihoon chewed on his lips to lessen the embarrassment he feels from the subtle confession.

“I love you,” Seungcheol said again, but this time without any inhibitions or doubts that Jihoon wasn’t feeling the same way, he said it in the purest sense, because right now, he needed to, because right now, his heart was swelling with so much love for the most innocent person he has ever met. “I love you so much,” he said again before planting soft kisses on Jihoon’s arms and his warm face then finally his swollen lips, “I love you and I’m sorry for even doubting your love for me.” Seungcheol said.

“It’s not entirely your fault,” Jihoon whispered, their lips almost touching. “I’d have done what Seokmin did, I would want the world to know how much I love you Cheol, I want them to know how lucky I am to have you, I want to, it’s just that I can’t, not yet anyways.” Jihoon said, caressing Seungcheol’s cheeks with his fingertips, tracing the contours of the older’s face, as if memorizing it by touch.

“I’m trying Cheol,” Jihoon said.

“You’re already more than enough for me, I don’t need the grand gestures,” Seungcheol then reassured Jihoon, despite the earlier feeling he had about Jihoon not being able to verbally say I love you to him every day, he understood better.

He reminded himself once again that his and Jihoon’s relationship was never the conventional one, and that is okay because at the end of the day, Jihoon was what’s important. More than the public displays of affection, or the soft I love yous, it wouldn’t matter if it wasn’t Jihoon.

So when that one night when Jihoon called him, hurried whispers on the other end of the line, a soft sob escaping the younger’s lips, Seungcheol felt his hands went cold.

“Seungcheol, I never said this enough but I love you so much it pains me to even think about not having you in my life.” Jihoon uttered.

“Jihoon,” Seungcheol choked back, “What’s the matter babe?” He’d asked.

“I just need you to know that I love you, and that I would have wanted to marry you if I was given the chance,” Jihoon confessed.

“Then marry me, Jihoon, marry me and build a life with me,” Seungcheol said.

“I’m really scared right now so please keep on talking, talk to me, plan the future with me Cheol. I love you so much,” Jihoon said again.

“Jihoon, baby, you’re scaring me, tell me what’s wrong?” Seungcheol said in panic.

“Seungcheol, I would have loved to adopt a beautiful child with you, raise him or her, whatever gender you prefer, even if I’m deathly afraid that I’d fail as a parent I’d still want to because I know you’re there to help me through it.”

“Jihoon, what’s happening?” Seungcheol said more firmly this time. “Baby, come on, tell me.”

“Nothing Cheol. I’m okay.” Jihoon choked on the words as he heard the door open with a bang, startling him from inside the cubicle that he was hiding.

“Jihoon! What’s that?” Seungcheol asked again.

“He’s here,” Jihoon whispered. “Remember, okay? I love you, more than anything in this world. More than anyone. More than…” and then there’s nothing.

Seungcheol pressed his ear on the phone, listening closely but there was nothing, just silence and then a loud bang and then another, and then another. Seungcheol wasn’t sure what to make of it, but it sounded like a gun going off.

“Jihoon?” He shouted at the phone. “Baby, please answer me.” He held back his cries, hoping that Jihoon was still there.

“Baby, come on, this isn’t a good joke. I won’t force you to do anything you don’t like so please…” Seungcheol sobbed a little, “Jihoon, please.” He had pleaded over and over only to be answered by the eerie silence.

So when the police came, Seungcheol was anything but amicable, he refused to believe that Jihoon, his Hoonie, was a part of the bank robbery victims. Killed in a rampage because some stupid teller decided she didn’t want to die, triggering the whole incident.

It would have been fine, Jihoon, his Hoonie, would have been alive, if not for the stupid teller. Seungcheol wanted to blame her, he wanted to blame the police for not moving faster, he wanted to be angry at Jihoon for even going there.

He was angry at the world, at the universe, for taking Jihoon. For Jihoon was the only good thing in Seungcheol’s life, as contrasting as they may be, they were perfect for each other.

And the only thing that was left to remind him of Jihoon, his lover, his partner in crime, his everything… were his oversized sweaters that occupied half of his closet, his music sheets at the table top, his overused laptop that needed charging every 30 minutes, and an old and beat up acoustic guitar that Jihoon used to sing Seungcheol to sleep on special nights.

It took him a long time to finally accept that the emptiness in their house, was anything but temporary. A long time before he finally stopped crying and snuggling at Jihoon’s clothes, hoping the scent of the younger is still present, in between bed sheets and pillow cases. It took him a long time before he finally decided to empty the closet of Jihoon’s clothes, because somehow, there’s a little hope in him that still believes that Jihoon will soon come back.

And soon enough, Seungcheol was a little better, stronger than the past few months that he had spent, mourning, grieving, and being angry at the world. He had managed to clear out everything that Jihoon left, all expect for the locked drawer that Jihoon never really shared with Seungcheol. And despite Jihoon’s permanent absence, Seungcheol was reluctant to open the drawer, because he knew Jihoon would have never approved.

He played with the keys that the police have left him, knowing that Jihoon kept the key to the drawer with it. He contemplated hard, and in the end, he gave in. He wanted to free Jihoon, he wanted to give him peace, and this is the only way Seungcheol knew how. Jihoon would have wanted him to live, and that is what Seungcheol would do.

A deep breath in and Seungcheol twisted the key, popping the drawer open. When he pulled the drawer to look at its content, he saw it. Jihoon’s most prized possessions.

The most intimate details of Jihoon’s life. A notebook that held words that were never meant to be said, because deep inside, despite Jihoon’s claim that he was not one for words, he had managed to write it beautifully, in a diary that held all of his feelings for Seungcheol and their relationship. Along with short poems of love, songs that were sung softly when Jihoon thought Seungcheol wasn’t listening. But what made Seungcheol spiral back into despair was the last few pages of the notebook.

Seungcheol thumbed the pages, he saw how half of the page were furiously penned black, how messily things were scribbled, how ultimately, Jihoon struggled to find the right words despite his ability to write exquisitely. Because the last pages of that notebook weren’t any normal entry, it wasn’t a song, or a poem of love. It was but a confession, a speech, a love letter that was meant for Jihoon’s big day, meant for Seungcheol’s ears to hear and not for his eyes to read.

Seungcheol’s efforts to live for Jihoon were short lived. Because with the thing that he held in his hands, he couldn’t help but cry.

He read through everything, he saw how Jihoon tried his hardest, despite his fears. Jihoon’s words echoed loud into Seungcheol’s mind because he read how Jihoon had felt in the days where Seungcheol felt unsure about their relationship, how it shook Jihoon to his core that Seungcheol would up and leave him because he wasn’t much of a partner or a lover. Seungcheol read how Jihoon had envied Seokmin’s courage, how at that moment, he wanted to take Seungcheol’s hand and ask him to marry him as well. But Jihoon held his mouth closed because he knew that Seungcheol deserved so much more than a sloppy proposal.

So when he closed the notebook, his eyes blurry with tears continuously flowing, all he could do was sob in agony. Jihoon struggled alone and he persisted alone… Seungcheol knew but he never realized how big of an impact it was.

With shaky hands, Seungcheol placed Jihoon’s notebook back to where he had found it, his hand brushing on something from the deeper corner of the drawer. Fishing it out of the box, he found in his hand a velvet box.

It was too much for Seungcheol. It was too much for anyone, really. A healing wound was ripped open. It took him every ounce of courage he had left to open the velvet box, hoping, praying, and wishing to the universe that it was anything but that.

So when he popped it open and saw two black diamond studded silver bands, it took everything in Seungcheol’s self-restraint not to throw a fit. He wanted to ruin everything in sight, because then, he realized how deeply Jihoon felt for him. He then knew that all his doubts were unfounded because Jihoon was his and only his to start with. He understood that in Jihoon’s heart, there was only him, that he was held dearly in the younger’s life.

That night, Seungcheol understood that he wasn’t meant to move on from Jihoon, even if the younger would have wanted that. He understood that time won’t heal this wound, because somehow, every time he’d take a step forward, he’d be jerked back by some force the universe had created, three steps back.

So he lied on his bed, eyes swollen from crying for hours, he closed his eyes and wished for darkness but he had memorized every curve and every detail in Jihoon’s face that it consumed him. He wasn’t moving on, he wasn’t running away… Seungcheol knew that tonight, everything will end, everything will stop. He knew this wasn’t cowardice… because it takes a lot of courage to follow your heart. And his heart was with Jihoon.

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies for the crappy title, summary, plot, ending, and everything.
> 
> I love Jicheol despite this. I live for Jicheol. Jicheol is happiness. Jicheol is life. Jicheol is synonymous to I CANNOT CALM DOWN SEND HELP.
> 
> I'd like to thank the people who started this ficfest! For making this lovely event possible and for pouring Jicheol love to desperate potatoes like me, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY DARK AND WRECKED HEART.
> 
> To my best bitch whom I still need to drag into the Jicheol hellhole, psychophoenix, thank you for proofreading and improving my shitty writing.
> 
> And lastly, to everyone... please accept my earlier apologies, and now I'd like to extend my gratitude to all Jicheol shippers who finished/read this crappy hell of a fic.
> 
> That's it, I'm out.
> 
> PS. Prompts used were Fanaa and Ellipsism.


End file.
